The Ordinary and Utterly Non-Eventful Plane Ride in Which Absolutely Nothing Unfortunate is Bound to Happen Whatsoever, No Sirree Bob

The Chosen Four finally found that dangnabbit cactus, and now they’re “leavin’ on a jet plane!” With Lloyd dreaming sweet dreams of lots and lots of legos, which of course means Lloyd finally shutting his trap for once, it’s just smooth sailing all the way to Ellay Town on the west coast.

It’s gonna be a shorter, laid back episode this time, folks. Yup, just an ordinary old plane ride, and a welcome change at that, considering all the wild and wacky hardships Ninten and his friends have encountered thus far. And to think, Lloyd was SO worried the plane was going to malfunction in midair!

Will Ninten and his companions finally kick back and maybe catch some must-needed z’s? Will they open up to each other a little, having not that much to do? Will the food on board be kind of gross? The answer to all these questions is an emphatic YES, on this week’s episode of… The Podcast Against Giygas! No crying until the ending.

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You’re listening to… The Podcast Against Giygas!

Episode ten: The Ordinary and Utterly Non-Eventful Plane Ride Wherein Absolutely Nothing Unfortunate is Bound to Happen Whatsoever, No Sirree Bob

*

Ninten and Teddy hoisted Lloyd up to the plane by his shoulders and ankles and Ana followed close behind. Minutes later they were buckled in and flying up and away, over the desert, then over the ocean, en route to Ellay Town at last. If Lloyd had been conscious and not deathly afraid of flying, he perhaps would have told the others they were just above ten thousand feet, a little more than someone could safely skydive. The plane flew low enough for Ninten to look down and see miniature desert landscapes, waves on the water, and eventually microscopic people driving bug-sized cars. 

This went on for a good three hours into the flight, while Ninten struggled to come up with a way to apologize for Ana for making her so upset before. It transpired that there was no need, as after Ninten puffed on his inhaler around this time, Ana sidled up next to his seat, buckled in, and beat him to the punch.

—Sorry I got rough with you back there. I forgot to ask, did I hurt you?

—No, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it, you were right. I was a jerk.

They said nothing for a long while. Then, as if possessed, because if you asked Ninten in the moment he could not tell you why he did it for a million dollars, he turned to Ana and said,

—Do you still want to know the last time I cried?

Ana nodded and he continued.

—It was two years ago, when we had to put down my cat. A few days after it happened, I cried so much I had an attack, a really bad one. I blacked out. I woke up in a hospital bed and saw my dad. He told me my mom got into an accident on the way to see me, and she died... it was like the universe was telling me “oh, you’re said about that cat, huh? I’ll give you something to really cry about.” So… I didn’t. Not even at the funeral. Never since then.

Ana quietly gasped, like he had punched her in the gut, but let him continue.

—And to find out now, that George Moley was her ancestor? That she had, what, super powers? Is that supposed to make me feel better? I was… when I found this journal, I was so angry… I wanted to clock my dad in the jaw. What, she can move things with her mind, set things on fire, read people’s thoughts? Well, all that, and all it took was another pickup truck and a six pack. And… now, what, we have to save the universe? The universe doesn’t care if we live or die. It certainly doesn’t care if we’re happy. The universe is just… arbitrary, and stupid, and cruel.

—I think the same thing sometimes.

—…you do?

—Sometimes, I tell myself, it would be easier if my mom and dad were just gone. Because then I wouldn’t have to wonder where they are, if they’re okay or if something horrible happened to them. The worry, every single day. The not knowing for sure. But then, I feel even worse for thinking that, and I feel so much better when I start to realize that, since I don’t know for sure, there’s a good chance they’re gonna come back some day. And I imagine myself giving them a big hug, and telling them what’s been going on at the zoo all this time, with Ms. Laura and her kids, and Boris and Gregory and all the others. Because, as long as there’s hope, there’s… um, well… 

Ana would have said something here like, surely her parents are bound to return in no time, because otherwise, if that worst case scenario were indeed to happen, why did she experience a premonition of her future life overflowing with happiness? How, if they are indeed to meet a grisly demise, could she otherwise see herself with a heart filled to the brim with joy, with a family, with a beautiful little boy, and a big slobbery dopey dog, and a song on her lips and in her heart every day, and a loving husband that even years on still makes her weak at the knees? For indeed, joy was not just possible. Thanks to her powers of precognition, she knew it was inevitable. So don’t feel sad, Ninten, or so she would have said to him, because there is joy for you in your future too, I had seen it myself, as surely as I saw it in my own destiny. And it may sound silly to say “we are going to be in love each other in the future,” but it’s not, because, well, because the truth is I love you. I love you right here and right now, Ninten Elliott…

But she didn’t say any of those things out loud. First of all, because, well, that’s a whole lot for someone to process and make sense of before blurting that all out, let alone to be confident that it was the right time and place for someone like Ninten to process and make sense of all that himself. And second of all, more urgently, because she didn’t have even close to enough time anyway. In fact, she only had a couple seconds. Because around the part where she mumbled um, well… was right when the tail of the plane suddenly exploded. 

The plane lurched forward and the children screamed, though their seatbelts kept them from stumbling out of their seats. Teddy, who was also catching some z’s on the flight, was shocked awake by the collision, unlike Lloyd. Ninten scrambled out of his safety belt and looked out the window, and there behind them was a mob of Starmen, floating and chasing after them in midair like Superman. Beside the Starmen were small tactical flying saucers, and behind them was an even bigger one, the size of a small building, no doubt the HQ for the sinister aliens’ aerial assault. 

Seconds after the blast, they could feel plane sloping down under their feet, slowly at first, then picking up speed. The old timer himself scrambled out of the cockpit and addressed the terrified children. 

—I got some bad news and some good news, younguns! We’re hit, we’re losing altitude fast, it’s all she wrote, it’s Mayday in June. That’s the bad news. The good news is, the plane is equipped with a chute! 

He turned his back to them and padded the parachute strapped to his back.

—Don’t y’all worry about me now, I’ll be just fine! 

Without waiting for a response, the old timer threw open the latch and jumped. Stunned, Ninten looked out and watched the man’s chute unfurl, revealing a design of the Eagleland flag. But only for a moment, as the unmanned plane continued to dive, a small slope at first progressing into a forty five degree angle, with only moments to go before that angle added to itself another forty five degrees. Without thinking, Ninten ushered Ana off the precipice of the same open latch as the pilot just leapt from, and Teddy catching his drift unbuckled Lloyd from his seat and the two of them joined their companions in midair. 

*

Screaming, freefalling, Ana put out her hands and caught everyone with a force field. Suspended in midair, they watched as the empty plane nosedived further away from them and closer to a fiery end on the ground, and then, the hordes of Starmen advancing on their position with the mothership in tow. The Starmen fired blasts of their own at the children safely enclosed in the fields, but the strain on keeping herself and the three of them aloft at the same time was putting immense strain on Ana’s mind. Tears flowed as she howled at Ninten in pain.

—I can’t… It’s too much…

Teddy, oblivious to Ana’s suffering, pounded on the “walls” of the force field surrounding him.

—Lemme at em! C’mon, lemme at em!

Ana relented under Teddy’s pressure and the force field partially cleared, and with a yell he leaped off the bottom, still solid part of the field and into an oncoming Starman. Gambling on the fact that the Starman would work extra hard to telekinetically keep them both afloat, he tackled one and indeed stayed aloft while he pummeled the alien with his fists, and then, after finishing off his first target, leaped off the dazed alien onto another with superhuman strength and speed.

—We can’t leave Teddy, he’s…

—He’s insane, he’ll be fine! 

—I still can’t hold… both of you!

—But you can hold one of us! 

Ninten, in the urgency of the moment, let go of all his baggage with Ana, and replaced it with pure adrenaline. The one and only thought that ran through his mind was a fierce, primal urge to make sure above all that his friends made it out of this disaster alive and well. 

—Here’s the plan! You’re gonna throw me up in the air as hard as you can, okay? When I come back down, you’ll catch me, and then you throw Lloyd! It’ll be just like juggling. 

—I’ll… I’ll try! 

—Okay, me first! On the count of three… three, two, one, go!

Ana swung her arm up and Ninten launched in the air, flying up and up and up. The Starmen, like a shark smelling blood in the water, swarmed to the boy, who in midair took out his bat and swatted away laser blasts from the aliens with his powered-up weapon. With the other hand he took potshots at the attackers one by one with his own death rays, until he lost momentum and fell down, down, down and all the way back to his companions. 

Ana caught Ninten in a force field, and at the same time launched the unconscious Lloyd the same way. The relief over the first part of that plan having been done successfully soon faded, however, as it became clear that to even more oncoming Starmen, Lloyd actually was a bleeding fish in the water. 

—Oh no! They’re gonna hit Lloyd!

—…you’re right! Have Teddy cover him! Tell him in his mind! 

Ana closed her eyes, concentrated. Teddy, who had jumped onto a moving miniature ufo, nodded to no one in particular, and riding on the thing while grasping its hull with one hand like a bucking bronco, grabbed floating Starmen by the arm and chucked them at other oncoming alien foes. Every single Starman foolish enough to come after Lloyd in his vulnerable state was met with another incapacitated Starman-projectile bullseyed right into their faces.

As all things that go up tend to do, Lloyd came down, and just like before, Ana caught him telekinetically and froze him in midair. Once again, it was Ninten’s turn to fly, and as Ana launched him up the Starmen, as if anticipating the same trouble from before, backed up ever so slightly from their advance. He was once again a whirlwind force, skeet-shooting Starmen out of the sky with his own blasts and swatting them back at the attacking aliens with his bat. Riding that storm out, the Starmen bided their time and hung back, waiting for the inevitable moment Ana was to send someone else careening up.

Ninten landed, and Lloyd shot up in the sky once again. But when Ninten and Ana looked around, they found to their dismay that Teddy was nowhere near them enough to cover Lloyd. He had hopscotched off one floating Starman to one mini ufo after another, and was heading toward the giant mothership. 

Ana shot up her free hand and in the nick of time a force field surrounded Lloyd in midair, keeping him safe from Starman blasts. Unfortunately, the Starmen were counting on this, and so they changed their target: Ana herself. 

The rays harmlessly bounced off Ana, but that wasn’t the point. She was already straining under the weight of Ninten and Lloyd, and the bombardment of Starmen death rays were meant to break her concentration. There was nothing Ninten could do, encased in his shell, and so it was only a matter of time before Ana’s will would break. A big blast from a Starman did exactly that, and Ana screamed as her force fields disappeared and she started to fall. 

Ninten and Lloyd joined Ana in freefall. Closer to Lloyd than Ana, he used his psionic power to blast the aliens out of the sky as he slowly fell toward Lloyd. He grabbed him by the shirt, then made his way to Ana. He found that if he pointed his free palm safely away from him and fired his blasts behind him, he could jet-propel himself closer to Ana. He did so, and then Ninten and Ana both wrapped their arms tight around the three of them. 

—I got you!

—We’re gonna fall! We’re gonna-

—Keep us falling. We’ll outrun them this way. Trust me!

Ana, still screaming her lungs out, nonetheless trusted Ninten, and they kept falling. It did not seem like his plan was working much, however, as the Starmen were still hot on their tails, flying downwards and closing a lot of distance between them. Not until they all heard an explosion from behind them.

That explosion, of course, was the mothership, after Teddy had successfully leaped onto its hull, and while laughing in wild abandon ripped off metal plating, punched and kicked holes in the exposed chassis, and pulled wires and stomped on circuits, all until the thing was good and sabotaged enough to no longer sustain its own flight. As the giant ship began to tumble down, Teddy grasped onto the last undamaged part of the hull with one hand and pumped a fist with the other If he had a ten gallon hat in the moment to wave in the air with his free hand and shout YA-HOOOO all the way down, he would have. 

This explosion made the chasing Starmen abruptly stop their pursuit of Ninten, Ana, and Lloyd and head back the way they came. Ninten looked behind him and saw the coast was clear.

—Okay, they’re gone now. Now use your powers just a little bit. Not to lift us up, but just to slow us down. 

Ana, breathing heavily, nodded and closed her eyes. Amazingly, just as Ninten said it would, the three of them could feel the gentle force of Ana’s telekinesis not lifting them, but blunting their descent. They were now falling about as fast as a skydiver would in order to safely touch down on ground.

—That’s it! You’re doing great. Just keep that up now… 

Though she was indeed keeping up her powers, Ana was still crying and shaking in Ninten’s arms. 

—You’re okay, now… I got you. I got you…

While it was not lost on Ninten that in the moment it was in fact she that got him, he repeated it to her again and again, and this calmed her enough until eventually she, Ninten, and Lloyd floated all the way to solid ground, here being an empty grassy field, landed with a mild tumble and got away with only a scratch or two on the knees.

Ninten and Ana looked to each other and said nothing for a long while, as Lloyd lied on his back and continued sawing logs, until eventually Ana let out a frantic, nervous laugh. As if contagious, Ninten laughed along with her, laughed out all the adrenaline still pumping through them, until they were finally calmed down and happy to be alive and together. 

It was around this point that they also noticed a big fire off in the distance, and from that fire a small speck emerge from the horizon and advance closer and closer, until that speck began to appear more and more Teddy-shaped, until it became Teddy indeed. Smiling, his clothes torn and sooty, he thumbed toward the conflagration and chuckled, like a kid sitting in the principal’s office proud of his handiwork, and then present both Ninten’s and Ana’s beloved hats, which, until that moment they had not even realized had slid off their heads in the fall. Ninten, not quite recovered from the shock of their midair adventure, looked to the fire, then to Teddy.

—How did you do all that?

Teddy merely shrugged, then turned his back to the others and cleaned his sunglasses with his shirt.

—And how do you jump over a twenty foot fence in a single bound? How do you punch a robot so hard it falls apart? How do you smash a rock on your head?

—I work out. 

—Maybe you have a psi power. Maybe you’re just like us-

Teddy snapped around to face Ana, with a sudden anger that shocked them both.

—No! No I’m not just like you! I’m not a… not some kind of a freak!

Teddy noticed the effect his outburst had on them and calmed himself a little.

—It's a strict mental regimen. It's all in my mind. I mentally discipline my body and spirit and... my mind. Just... whatever, leave me alone. 

Teddy teased his hair up with his comb and withdrew from the others. It seemed as though, even after singlehandedly taking down the flagship of a Starman attack, even though it tumbled down from over ten thousand feet in the air and crashed with a decisive and fiery explosion, it was Teddy who hit the bottom after all. 

*

Ana gently tapped a finger on Lloyd’s forehead.

—…pppfffly on that aircraft! And I’ll tell you another thing, I… what… what the heck?

A second ago, Lloyd thought he was at the hangar of the old-timer of the Yucca Desert, arguing with Ninten and Ana about getting into the ricketiest, most un-up-to-code airplane he had ever seen in his life. The next second, here he was, sitting a pleasant little diner booth, the sun bright in the afternoon sky, palm trees waving in the wind from outside the window, everything a pleasant shade of pink and orange and lavender. And beside him were Ninten and Ana, smiling uncharacteristically toothy grins, almost nervously cheerful in a way Lloyd couldn’t put his finger on.

—We’re in Ellay Town, Lloyd. We made it at last.

—Do you mean I… 

—That’s right. You flew! Congratulations!

—…but, how come I don’t remember any of it?

—Well, you know… ah… 

Ninten looked to Ana for some help, but unfortunately for him did not receive any.

—…you were just so tuckered out from the walk up to that cactus patch and back, you slept like a baby the whole time. That plane you were so afraid of? It didn’t phase you one bit!

—You mean… I… I… I FLEW!!!!

Lloyd let himself be overcome with elation. He rose from his seat and leapt for joy, sharing the glad tidings to any and all the diner patrons within earshot. 

—I flew! I actually flew on a plane! I got on a plane, and it flew in the air, and then it came back down, and here I am! Haha! I flew!

A server approached carrying four platters and four glasses of cherry cola on a wide tray.

—Oh, hello there, miss! I just want you to know, I flew on an airplane today! I really flew!

—That’s wonderful! Would the flyboy like his Reuben melt and coleslaw now?

—Oh! Erm, yes please! Thank you!

Meanwhile, Teddy, who had ordered a double rodeo cheeseburger and waffle-cut French fries and then excused himself to “the can,” in his words, was taking a while in there. He spent a long time just standing at the sink, gazing into the mirror before him, still down from his encounter in midair. 

It wasn’t long before he was joined, once again, by an old friend. There he was, in the other side of the mirror, a mic in his hand and a song in his heart and on his lips, the heavenly man.

—Ah, hello master. It’s good to see you again.

Teddy looked to the floor and sighed.

—I have such doubts, master. I feel like a fraud, a phony. What do I do if they find out who I really am? What if they laugh at me, and leave me behind, right when I need them the most?

The heavenly man in the mirror gave some thought to Teddy’s words, and then spoke. 

(huminahuminahuminainthgetooo)

—…yes. Of course, you’re right, master. Then again, I know you’re always right…

With a smile, Teddy bowed his head in reverence to the man in the mirror, and in imitation of him shadowboxed and showed off a few formidable moves of his own huh huh HAH! “kahrahtay,” finishing with a pose and snapping out his pointing hand toward his master. But when he looked up, he saw only his own reflection staring back at him.

*

You’ve been listening to The Podcast Against Giygas. The Podcast Against Giygas is an audiobook written and performed by me, Garrett McMahon, based on Mother, the 1989 video game for the Nintendo Entertainment System directed by Shigesato Itoi. With production by William Pawlowski, thumbnail design and art direction by David Peters, and musical selections from the recent Earthbound Beginnings remake hack, with arrangements by livvy94, Snyderman, Bluestone, Pinci, and Mary Strawberry.

This podcast is a guaranteed masterpiece! It is also a fan-made project affiliated in no way whatsoever with the Nintendo Corporation or Mr. Itoi. This podcast is free to listen to, ad-free, and always will be. I hope you enjoyed today’s episode, and if you did, a rating and review on your podcast service of choice is always appreciated. Well, I’ll see you back next Monday, but until then, no crying till the ending!