In Which Our Hero Calls His Mother

What the heck is this place?! Emerging victorious against the monster underneath Threed, the children find themselves in a wacky world inhabited by the Mr. Saturns, a race of silly little creatures as brilliant as they are friendly. Grateful for rescuing them from that horrible vomit beast, they show Ness and his friends a good time in their village before leading them to the second Sanctuary at last.

And then, they’re off on the next leg of their adventure, farther away from Onett than Ness had ever ventured before in his life! Will Ness and his friends stump the formidable Trillionage Sprout? Will they EVER get through this dang-nabbit traffic jam already and finally reach Fourside? And what nasty little bit of Ness’s past will rear its ugly head once more…?

Find out on this week’s episode of… The Podcast Against Giygas!

ROCKIN!!!

Transcript

Garrett McMahon: 0:00

You're listening to The Podcast Against Giygas!

Garrett McMahon: Episode six: 0:04

in which our hero calls his mother.

Garrett McMahon: 0:33

A week before, Ness could say he had never ventured very far out of his hometown of Onett, but now, as he the strange little roly-poly creatures into the hole in the wall, it seemed he was traveling somewhere not even a part of this earth. A village awaited Ness and his friends that was just alien as the friendly creatures guiding them, seemed to be just a little off. Bright yellow grass, bright green sky, bright and bright pink and purple houses and trees. The non-Euclidean huts as big as human-sized houses a complex web of ladders to enter them, and fun to slide down when you wanted to leave. The children took in their surroundings in awe, none them more than Jeff. Could it be? Yes, I think it's the Saturn Village, by gum! The what? The Saturn Village, Ness. They're said to be brilliant creatures, capable of very advanced technologies. They can build just about anything they have in mind to build, which must be why that slimy fellow must have them cooped up in his marmite factory. Ness scanned the weird houses one more time, already like his best attempts at making Lego houses back he was five, and noticed a few of them lying on their sides as if taking a nap, and even one with the point of the roof serving as the foundation, the bulk of the house rising up into the shape of an ice cream cone. Even though they don't have hands, huh? Dr. Andonuts, I mean my dad, has been looking for this place his whole life. To think all one has to do is blow up a wall. Three of the roly-poly creatures approached the and if they had hands, you could imagine them waving you put your mind to it. Zip zippy hoppy hop. Boing boing! Whoa, that's so weird. I understood him. He said "hello, welcome to our home." Boing, boing, doop, mister Saturn. Me too. He said his name is Mr Saturn. Now he's introducing us to his friends. They're... they're all named Mr Saturn. I guess you are right, Jeff- Jeff? Paula turned around to see Jeff positively gobsmacked. Incredible. It's Glossolalia! Glossa-what now? Glossolalia, Ness, the perfect language. No matter the tongue in which you were born and when you hear it spoken you can understand it and when speaking to one fluent in it, again, no what language, they comprehend you just as well. It's very scientific, you see. Zoom dinghy dingy dong Zoop! At this the children erupted into raucous Who knew, on top of their many talents, that the Mr had such a zany madcap sense of humor? Well, that was actually really funny... The Mr. Saturns went on to explain that they were held in by that horrible vomit monster who suddenly, pierced the veil between the pseudoscientific human and the idealo-scientific Mr. Saturn world, and kidnapped them down to the last puffball among them to, as Jeff correctly predicted, the most efficient marmite factory as quickly as to feed a massive worldwide zombie apocalypse. They thanked Ness, Paula, and Jeff as their liberators, and bestowed upon them the title Friend of the Mr. Saturns. It was hard for Ness to decide what part of the Mr. Saturn village was his favorite. The majestic Schleeple Pooser with its fun little wimps, the serene field of tumpty hams with kimble wumpats as far as the eye could see, or the great which took pride of place in the towns of central It was all very fun for a while, but a Mr. Saturn, who acted as their guide, indicated for the to follow him to the second sanctuary. The Mr. Saturn led them to a pleasant yellow meadow, where in it they could see a big pond underneath a gushing It was not just any waterfall, though, for a viscous liquid rushed down the slope and into the pond, which then bubbled and splattered, shooting pink lava lamp of the stuff, gently floating into midair and back down to the pond mouse below. It looked delicious to drink, sweet like a whole cotton candy or bubblegum milkshake of a swimming pool, and name of the curious pond, Grapefruit Falls, only made it more appealing in Ness's mind. Whoa! Rockin! But before any of them could get a closer look at the magical waterfall, the Mr. Saturn led them to what looked like a small yellow in the middle of the field. The three of them gasped when the sprout suddenly big googly eyes at them and cleared its throat. Greetings, children. You must be the chosen four, or at least the first Whoa! You can talk? Of course I can. I learned how to speak your language oh... about a thousand years ago. A thousand? How old are you? I'd say a little more than a trillion years old. I say, if you are indeed at such an advanced stage, have you never progressed past the seedling phase plant life? I subsist on only the miraculous waters of the Falls, and it stunts my development while life. After all, everyone knows that maturation leads to old age, which inevitably leads to death. Now, children, to reach the very same Grapefruit you have to get past me, just as you did the first of the sanctuary. The first guardian? Do you mean that gigantic mutated ant? I do indeed. A dear friend, that Gerald. And not much of a guardian, as I'm sure you gathered. No doubt he tried to yap your little heads off again another of his poems. Still, such a pure soul, that Gerald. So kind and friendly and always so very Ness and Paula both cringed and looked to each other. Well, to be honest, we... Paula nudged Ness in the shoulder and shut him up. That's right. Such a friendly big ant he was. He read us uh, a limerick. It was very funny. A limerick? That doesn't sound like Gerald. He usually composes sestinas. I guess he's experimenting. Well, let's get on with it. As I know just about anything and everything under sun, it is tasked upon you to ask me anything. If you stump me, you may proceed, but if you give up, you will never see the sanctuary. Paula gave the plant a scoff. No offense, but you're just a sprout. We could step right over you. You're welcome to try, young lady. Paula shrugged, looked to the others, and indeed over the Trillion Age sprout. After taking a few steps forward with a self satisfied smirk, she suddenly shrieked and fell right on her back to the yellow grassy field. She rose to her feet and saw the Trillion Age sprout upon a huge mound of soil that had erupted from the before her. No matter which way she tried to walk past, dodging and fainting like a basketball player, there was the on his mound to block the way forward. Paula gave up, folded her arms, and grumbled. Oh all right, if we must. The children then put their heads together to come up with the best doozies they could. Jeff started with a real head scratcher. What is the smallest unit of time? And the answer was the metric Goopal Flex, one nine ninety-nine billionth of a nanosecond, first with a microscopic wristwatch by one Dr. Gordon J. Schliemenbert in the year 1897. Paula had a good one. Do we see red the same way as other people see red? We don't, was the answer. The poet laureate of Eagleland, for example, sees red as a more mauvish purple. The last team of astronauts to walk the moon see it to a man as a grainy polka dotted orange, and the saw it as simply the number eight. What language would you think in if you didn't know any? The answer a series of symbols for a cipher designed but ultimately discarded by the culper ring as silly. At what point does a ship completely disassembled and then reassembled again become a different ship At 79.578% reassembly. Can an all-powerful being create a rock so heavy they can't lift it? No, but they can create a rock so heavy that while can't lift it, a couple friends of theirs could pitch in and hoist it up if need be. Finally, what is the closed form solution to the body problem? Jeff asked, a lot of ideas, and the trillion age amazingly answered him. And what was the solution? Wouldn't you like to know? It went on like this, until Jeff and Paula both gave Ness was shaking in his sneakers now. He was a bright boy, to be sure, but he wasn't like Jeff or Paula were smart. He was getting C's in history and science and and else. Best you didn't ask. He stammered and hesitated until the Mr Saturn guide his leg with his bulbous nose. Ness was surprised to find he understood this gesture just as easily as the creature's glossolalia. It said, you can do it, Ness. Your friends tried to be too smart. Instead, try something a little more lowbrow. The very first thing that came to mind was a dumb joke one of his friends tried once at the tree Without even thinking, he blurted it out to the age sprout. If a man named Pete and his friend Re-pete are on a and Pete falls off the boat, who is still on the boat? Why that's easy. It would be his friend, Repeat. If a man named Pete and his friend Re-pete are on a boat and Pete falls off the boat, who is still on the boat? Um as I said, it is obvious that it would be the other among them, Repeat. Ness laughed, and the others giggled with him. If a man named Pete and his friend named Re-pete are on a boat, and Pete falls off the boat, who is still on the boat? Ugh! What are you up to, little boy? I have more than sufficiently answered you. It is the friend of Pete, named Repeat! The children could not contain their mirth as Ness the joke relentlessly. He got in a good ten more repeats, as the trillion sprout became more and more enraged. Agh! The answer is repeat a million times repeat, repeat, repeat! The sprout became so angry he could barely speak, to sputters and curses. At this, Paula and Jeff winked at Ness. Say, Ness, why don't you leave this to us, eh? He is a trillion years old, after all, and he knows and everything under the sun, so I'm sure he'll the right answer eventually. Now then, my good Mr. Sprout, sir, supposing a man called Pete was a seaworthy vessel and... Ness may not have been as book smart as his friends, he was smart enough to take Jeff's hint. He left behind his friends and the furious sprout, and followed his Mr. Saturn guide until they reached the shore of the Falls at last. Zippa dip dippa doo zippa dip dippa doo Even if his Mr Saturn guide wasn't speaking Glossolalia, the way he proceeded to run in as fast as his funny little feet take him and dive snout first into the pond made it clear what he said to Ness. Come on in, the goop is fine. Oh, um, okay. Now of course Ness loved nothing more than jumping into a good old swimming pool or lake, but that was when he had his trunks on, and also when he was with friends or family, and also most importantly when he was on Earth. Still, the Mr. Saturn's had been nothing to Ness and his friends but kind, welcoming, and a whole lot of fun, and they made honorary friends of the Mr. Saturn's, and his mom taught him how it's rude to the generosity of a friend. Ness kicked off his sneakers and peeled off his socks. He would at least wait in the great Grapefruit Falls a token of his gratitude to the Saturn village's He took his time tiptoeing his pale bare feet to the edge and dipped his toes in, then one foot, then the And every single thing that made him worry and evaporated away. It felt amazing. As his feet sunk into the pink stuff, swelching his toes like the best mud puddle ever, a wonderful fizzled through his entire body like a lemon lime soda, a pleasant tinkling like a good stretch after a long sit in the classroom, or the cool feeling of a pillow when you get into bed, but all over. Any soreness, discomfort, or even any sad or angry that might have lurked in Ness's heart were washed away, leaving him feeling renewed and in With every step he took, Ness found that sometimes his feet schlupped into the weird pink water, and other rested on the surface as if it were a solid, floor. If Jeff had been with him, his friend would have no explained that it was an interesting specimen of liquid. He raised his leg, thinking it would be covered with a hopelessly sticky, slimy, weird stuff that would take hours to clean off. Yet the pink goop effortlessly slid off his leg and into the pool, leaving it completely dry. With a little giggle, his Mr. Saturn friend walked toward him on solid water, in front of him, splashing huge gobs of goop that around in spirals and swirls, but also knocked Ness and fully immersed him. Ness found he didn't have to hold his breath or his eyes underwater, as the bright pink Falls was just as breathable and easy on the eyes as old fresh air. He spent a long while laughing and playing around his Mr. Saturn friend, splashing and dunking each other stuff, just as good as if he were with one of his from the tree house back home. And for not having any arms or legs above his little the Mr. Saturn got in some pretty impressive dunks on his part, Ness had to admit. Ness figured out how to walk on the liquid as a solid and when to let himself sink at will, and once doing on the water's surface and skipped and splashed and and cartwheeled around, then fell over like a plank rested flat on his back. He spent a long while like this, letting the falls float him wherever it may like a lily pad, and legs splayed out, wiggling his toes in the air. He decided then and there that he could stay in that forever. Which, of course, is always the moment one realizes precisely can't stay in a moment forever. Floating to a shallower part of the pond, Ness got to his feet and took out the sandstone, now glowing on its second side, the etching of a geyser now as the grapefruit falls. A song came into his ears, danced around in his head, and settled deep into his heart. But just as two bars passed, just when it was about get good, the melody stopped just as suddenly as His vision went blank, though his eyes weren't When he could see again, he saw a vision of himself as a younger boy, playing out like a movie. He remembered it very well. It was when he was sick in bed with chicken pox. There was his mother beside him, taking his applying a cool towel to his head, feeding him soup. The movie cut to another scene, Ness on the mend, a basket at the foot of his bed, covered with a white tied with a red ribbon. He woke, and whatever was in that basket nudged the cloth. He sat up and was greeted by a puppy, who scampered the basket, leaped into Ness's arms, licked Ness's who laughed and hugged his new friend and petted him over. The montage continued, Ness and his mother giving him a bath, Ness and King playing in the mud, further efforts both of them getting baths that Ness and his mother watching baseball on TV, who loved the game almost as much as her son and husband. Ness with King on his lap, who promptly got ejected it with every run scored, and would only shrug and himself right back on his human's lap again. And then Ness heard her sing. His mother was always singing, and she had a voice. He heard her singing along to the radio, singing with his dad to the runaway five, even singing in the local one at musical productions, which was what to do when she wasn't taking care of her son. Hearing it here, it was more than just a pretty voice. It comforted him when he was sad, like on the day he he almost lost King after the second time he tried him alone. It soothed him when he was very young and terrified of a dream he had that a big mean oak tree was running him and would explode if it reached him. Long story, don't ask. It kept him calm when he got into tussles with at school, when she told him to talk it out and use his words. And each and every time he saw her do something he knew she did often, but always took for granted until then. The way she would always touch his head, how she would stroke his hair, or give him a kiss on his forehead, and whatever bad feelings ailing him would vanish in Her voice was a gentle, guiding song. It all but raised him to be the boy he was and who he was meant to be. Then the movie ended. Ness waited out of the Grapefruit Falls and sat by the pink water's edge. Whereas the first sandstone experience was a pleasant, if a little silly, vision of something he enjoyed, this one was a full detail reenactment of his mother and beloved friend King. Ness found it far from comforting, especially after euphoric swim in the Grapefruit Falls. It was instead a harsh reminder of something from he was hopelessly far away. And worse, if the disastrous fight against the slime was any indication, something he could lose at any time. Ness knew he had to put on his socks and sneakers and get going, but he didn't. He sat by the grapefruit falls and sighed, much that he even doubted that another quick dip in miraculous pink waters would help. His Mr. Saturn guide snuggled beside him, the way a pet dog would do the same. Even without his arms, it felt to Ness just as good a hug from a friend. Zip? Zeepy Zip? Yeah. I do. I really do. Just like the first time, several hours went by with in the sanctuary spot before he finally rejoined and Jeff, who were passing the time by, respectively, listening to an orchestra put on by the Mr. Saturns with sounds just as bizarre as the instruments they came from, and reading up on a scientific journal whose text was all circles, triangles, and spirals, and which of course was all quite comprehensible. Hey Ness, did you see anything? Maybe more steak? Oh, um no, just you know, weird alien stuff. Ness's two friends noticed his glum demeanor, more than they had encountered out of him thus far. But before any of them could put a comforting hand on his shoulder and say, Come on, Ness, what's the Don't worry, you can tell us. We're your friends, after all... A thundering fanfare of brass and violins filled Photos taken instantaneously! I am a photographic genius if I don't say so myself! Oh? what's all this then? Ness sighed, looking to the viewfinder and two fingers without even bothering to smile. We don't know yet, but if you look at the camera and fuzzy pickles, he'll go away. Jeff shrugged a good win in room shrug and said as to the photographer man. Wow! what a great photograph! it will always bring back the fondest of memories. As the photographer man floated back into the air from whence he came, a Mr. Saturn approached the kids, holding a platter with hot mugs of well, they did call it tea, but it was for sure the most hot neon pink tea the children had ever seen. Ah now you're really speaking my language. Can't say when was the last time I had a good cuppa. As Jeff eagerly accepted his cup and Paula did the with a little less gusto, Ness hesitated, which again drew the attention of the others. I don't know. I don't really uh, drink tea. Ness, it's atrocious manners to refuse one's I'd swallow it down and think of Eagleland if I were Cheers. Jeff took the last cup and all but shoved it in Ness's hands. They all clinked their mugs and took a sip. The tea glided along their tongues and into their hot but smooth, and the same warm tingly feeling that Ness felt in the Grapefruit Falls hit them in an They saw the whole rainbow swirling around them. The kids themselves, the Mr. Saturn's, the whole Saturn village, all emitted a of new reds, oranges, yellows, greens, blues, purples. Pretty soon, even recognizable shapes and things and all their perception was a spiral of wild The next thing they knew, the three kids were just Threed, in fact, right beside the hint booth hippie. I guess you can only find the Saturn village when not really looking for it. And once you do, then just like a wonderful dream, when you think it couldn't get any better, it's gone you even know it. Huh. I guess so. Thanks, hippie. Without a word, the hippie placed a small, closed sign on the booth and walked away. Ness, Paula, and Jeff likewise turned from the booth headed toward town, where they were greeted by the upshot of their earlier adventures. The sun was out. It was a brand new, beautiful summer day in Threed, and its people were finally out and about enjoying Backyards were full of barbecues and sun tanning ladies and kids running through sprinklers and cannonballing into pools, and a massive summer parade marched town on the main thoroughfare. The circus tent, once the epicenter of a sinister once again became a place of joy and excitement, and gained a few roller coasters and ferris wheels and stands for its trouble. The good people of Threed would never meet the saviors of their town, but they were deeply grateful for the all the same. The children took in the contagious joy of the town the day, spent the night at a hotel, which funny enough was already Halloween-themed long before the and then made their way to the bus station for the next leg of their adventure. Ness and Jeff waited in line for tickets, as was going to pay for them after all. As Ness advanced further toward the booth, he noticed Jeff jotting down notes in a Threed postcard. Hey, whatcha doing, Jeff? Oh, just writing a dear friend of mine back home. Oh, well that's nice of you. Yes, he's quite fond of me. The fact that I had to go on leave for so long in this little world saving jaunt was a terrible blow for him. He doesn't really have anyone else to say. I'm getting a postcard from every place where to to show him where I've been and that I'm still quick life, as it were. Though of course I may play the part of Caesar in Gaul and embellish our exploits a bit, you understand. Say, you're not gonna tell him I um, when we fought monster and... say no more, old boy. Your secret is safe with me. Meanwhile, Paula was off at a nearby convenience procuring snacks for the road and refilling their with water bottles. As she was ringing up her haul, a newspaper caught her eye, a fluff piece about the newly elected mayor of Geldegarde Monotoli. Two mayors so far had preceded him in the huge coastal metropolis' highest political office, and all were due to rampant corruption and unforgivable But Monotoli, the handsomest, most charismatic, and to mention wealthiest candidate the city had was going to make big changes in Fourside. There he was, young, good looking, hopelessly grinning ear to ear on the front page, surrounded by everything in his mayoral office covered in gold, as promised a new era of transparency and governmental and fiscal responsibility. And then she saw it, nearly choking on her lemon lime soda pop when she did. It was hard to spot among all the other gold junk the man, but it was there plain as day. Furious, she grabbed a copy of the paper and on the counter. Finally, it was Ness's turn to get tickets. But once he took out his wallet, and before he had a to give the man his dad's credit card, Paula arrived, snatched the card from his hand, and gave it to the seller herself. Three one way tickets to Fourside! Jeff sat between Ness and Paula on the bus, who the boys could plainly see was quite upset about something, who knows what, but really ticked off. More than Ness had ever seen, and especially Jeff, only known her for the past couple days. Neither of them said a word to each other, and Ness if the trip to Fourside could get any worse. It certainly could. The driver stopped the bus and stood up to address the passengers. Traffic jam, everyone. No cars moving for a hundred miles up ahead. I'm turning this bus around. You can get off here or go back to Threed. What choice did they have? They got off the bus and watched it drive away in the opposite direction, completely free of traffic. Already miserable, now they had to bear their company with no transportation, no air conditioning, close to enough water in their canteens to walk a miles through the Segwaro filled, dusty dunes desert. Paula walked down the highway along the line of jammed cars, and Ness and Jeff struggled to keep her pace. If she was angry before, now Ness was starting to the same, with poor Jeff literally stuck in the middle of them. Was she crazy? Making them walk a thousand miles in the hot desert? And for what? Why were they going to Foresight? Who did this bossy girl think she was? An hour had gone by since they got off the bus, and the canteens were now empty. Ness had dumped most of his onto a wet towel he kept his head, which, since it remained wet for about ten under the desert sun, in hindsight was maybe not the idea. And there were still cars, cars deadlocked on the up to the horizon, all of them relentlessly honking horns and shouting to the car ahead of them to move it already. So, um it might not be any of my business, but um but I couldn't help but notice how neither of you have in the last um Ness shouted and slammed his backpack and bat onto the ground. Nuts! Look at that! It goes on forever and Fourside is like a thousand away. More like two hundred, but yes. We haven't even reached the five mile marker yet. We've probably only walked about three so far, I'd Three? Well, we can't stop and stay here forever. We have to get to Fourside. Paula turned her back on the boys and kept walking, this time Ness did not follow. Why, Paula? Why? Why are we going to Fourside? What are we all doing here? Who is Giygas? What does he look like? What does he want? Why do I have this stupid rock? What does it do? Why did a talking bug tell me I have to save the world with you? Why don't you tell me something for once? If this is such an important mission, why can't someone just explain one thing to me normally? Why does everything have to be so weird and so stupid? Ness punctuated each word of his last question with kick on his backpack. Paula watched Ness's outburst with folded arms and lips, waiting for him to finish. When it looked like he did, she took out the newspaper she had bought in three. Fine. I'll start with your first question. We're going to Fourside because of you. She threw the thing at Ness hard, and it landed flat on the ground, front page side up. Ness took in the picture of Mayor Monotoli and, Paula, spotted it immediately. There it was, taking pride of place in the man's mayoral office, the evil demon statue from Twoson, not only not even close to being smashed to bits, but all things considered in excellent condition. Much of Ness's anger deflated at the sight of that object and was instead replaced with abject shame. I told you to smash that statue. Now that man is going to use it to do something to those people, just like it did to my hometown. Now we have to go waste our time and foresight so you can actually destroy it this time. And you lied to me! I'm... I'm sorry. I tried to- you tried?! How do you try to smash something with a bat? Did it get up and run away? It's bad enough you tried to give away the sandstone, but this is ridiculous. Listen, you don't understand- No, you don't This isn't a game, Ness. The fate of the whole world is at stake, and you're like a child. This was more than Ness could take. It was the worst scolding he had ever gotten in his worse than even his parents were capable. And it was all at the hands of a no good bossy girl. The lion in Ness's heart, once let out back at Threed, now roared. Well maybe it is. Maybe it is all a game. Maybe it's some weird vision you put in my head just drag me out of my house because you need the Miss Nobody likes me. When Paula was merely angry before, this side of truly hurt her feelings, though she did the best to hide it with only the tiniest gasp. You stop it right there. Well where I'm Paula. I'm so weird and no one likes me. Boo hoo hoo. Gee whiz, I wonder why. I'm warning you, not another word. Or what? You'll set me on fire with your mind? Is that what you do when you don't get your own way? Oh no wonder they had to lock you up in a cage. No wonder your dad hates you. Before either Ness or Paula realized it, Paula's open hand snapped out and smacked Ness right in the face. As Ness reeled from the blow, Paula approached him, put the tips of all ten fingers around his head, and let her eyes turn blank white. The world around Ness vanished, and in its place was small town. A swarm of alien UFOs swooped from the sky and fired that leveled the small houses in an instant. Terrified townsfolk ran away as alien creatures marched over the ashes of their home. Hundreds of them, humanoid, liquid metallic, their visors with no eyes, their telepathic voices directly into your brain. A sight Ness was all too familiar with, just like horrible alien creature that first attacked him at meteor in Onett. Only now there was more than one, and in different and colors, one with sharp spikes on its shoulders, obvious leader of them all, the Starmen. They attacked a fleeing people with frightening of energy and light from their minds, just like before. Other aliens swarmed around the ruined town, a tentacles and three bloodshot eyes, mooks, they were howling with laughter and pure malice as they other victims in their long sucker pocked arms and them in the air for fun. Hundreds of robots, robotic starmen, robotic mini flying saucers, and tentacled octobots reeked further with laser beams and bombs. And in the middle of it all was the mad general of the invasion, the Genghis Khan of the great alien It was him, huge, terrifying, indescribable, even as laid direct eyes upon him. The destroyer of worlds. Giygas. The vision finally mercifully ended. Ness screamed and staggered back, falling onto the ground. It's Onett, isn't it? It's where you live. Paula's anger in that moment seemed to fade, replaced by a certain pity for her friend, who spent a long just kneeling on the ground, too shell-shocked to or speak. We have to fight that?! Paula could only give Ness a sad nod yes. I... I can't... I can't fight that! He put up a valiant effort to hold them back, but in the end he lost. He sobbed hard right in front of his new friends. He could hardly even remember the last time he let alone to anyone other than his parents, but there he was, letting his tears flow full steam The statue got into my head. It called me a stupid boy playing with my toys. It could see everything I was afraid of. It said that I'd fail, then I'll die. Then I'll never see my mom and dad again, or my friends or my dog. Why did the stone pick me? I'm useless. You can do so many things with your mind, Paula, and can build anything you can think of, Jeff, but... but I can't do anything. I can't do anything. The last thing my mom said to me was I'm a strong, boy, but I'm not. I know I'm not. I'm so scared. As Ness sputtered and wept, and Paula stood by It was Jeff of all people who made the first move, feeling quite ineffectual himself during the whole He sat down beside Ness and put his arm around his There there, don't fret now. He reached into his blazer pocket and took out a white handkerchief, embroidered with J A in blue because well of course he had a set of personal embroidered with his initials, and gave one to Ness. Without really knowing what to do with it, but also them in cartoons before, he wiped his face off and his nose with it like a tissue. There you are. There's a good lad. There's lovely. Jeff squeezed his arm tighter around Ness, who was how much it helped cheer him up. Even Paula sat down at his other side and did the same for him, and soon enough the tears began to fade. I'm scared too, Ness. I'd see that vision every night and wake up screaming. My pa would say it's just a nightmare, but I knew it real. Only one thing kept me going back then. I knew that one day I'd meet you and you, Jeff. And one more boy. It's going to be hard, but I know we can do it if we stick together. She's right, old boy. I told you I'm your man to the bitter end, and I meant it. Ness stayed on the ground for a while with his new beside him, comforting him, and felt much After the last sniffles and gasps left Ness's body, rose to his feet and looked to Paula and Jeff. Thanks, guys. I don't know if I can do this, but I'll try. I'll give it everything I've got. I promise. I um... I'm sorry I said those mean things to you, Paula. I'm... I'm sorry I hit you. Well, only kinda. Of all the places they sought just a sliver of hope to get them through this latest hardship, they were not expecting to find it in a mariachi band. Yes, there they were, three men standing beside the their touring van as good and jammed as all the other cars, taking the setback in stride, sharing their with anyone within earshot, and hoping it would make ordeal just a little easier to endure. And all in several thick layers of black velvet suits in the desert sun. The kids introduced themselves to the three men who welcomed the children to their impromptu introduced themselves as Jorge Washington on Juan Adams on percussion, and the band leader, on the trumpet slash violin, who assured the that while the names were purely coincidental, they were fated in life to meet and form the world-class the Founding Padres. They offered to refill the children's canteens and Jeff, who was more accustomed to the biting cold of and therefore pretty much always dressed for it, a towel for his head. They then played two of their biggest charting hits the mariachi billboards, "Ya No Sé Qué Hacer Con and of course,"Bravo Bravo, Nadie te Pueda Of course, the children could understand absolutely a single word spoken or sung by the band, lacking magnificent glossolalia spoken by the Mr. Saturns, but then again, you don't need so many words to understand good music when you hear it. Ness, Paula, and Jeff were already grateful for the break from the long walk down the road, but amazingly, at the end of the band's second catchy tune, the jam to disperse, and cars were slowly but surely coasting down the road. Well, would you look at that? You see, Ness, we told you. You weren't always going to be stuck in the Teutoberg Forest. Yes, old boy, things are finally coming up Trajan the Dacians now. The children did their best to explain where they headed to the band, who understood "Fourside" as well as anybody. As the Padres scrambled to pack their instruments their van, still parked in the middle of the road, motioned to the children toward their vehicle as if say, Hop in. Overjoyed, they profusely thanked the gentleman and duly hopped in. Before they knew it, the founding Padres' little van could reached the world-famous bright red suspension that led travelers like themselves to the gigantic metropolis of Fourside. The children once again thanked the Padres to no end their kindness, to which they repeated De nada, De with a warm smile and a wave as they drove off and them at the bus station. Before heading into the big city, Ness asked for one from his friends, which they heartily granted him. He ran to a payphone, plunked a quarter into the and dialed a number. Hello? Mom, it's me. Ness. Oh, it's so good to hear from you. How are you, sweetie? I'm okay. How are you doing? Just fine. I'm giving King a bath now. Say hi to Ness, King. Ness heard a bark through the receiver. Hiya, King. Mom, I'm in Fourside right now. Can you believe it? I've seen so many crazy things since I left. And how is it all going, your journey? It's um, it's pretty hard sometimes, but I'm And I have friends with me. My friend Jeff, he can invent anything. He has these like laser guns and rockets that blow up. And my friend Paula, she can do things with her She can set things on fire, move things around, read minds. A girl with telekinesis and telepathy, huh? How interesting. Yeah, they're so cool. I'm gonna invite them home when this is over so you meet them. That's good. I'm glad you're doing well, and that you're safe. I'd love to hear more of your stories when you come I have an idea. I'll send you postcards. Everywhere I go, I'll send you a new one. That way you'll know I'm okay. I like that very much. Hey mom, I... I really miss you. I know, sweetie. I miss you too. Okay, well till next time. Till next time. Ness hung up the phone, took a deep breath, wiped a single tear before it could bring any friends or get any other funny ideas, and ran to meet up with his two friends in the grand coastal metropolis of You've been listening to The Podcast Against The Podcast Against Giygas is an audiobook written and performed by me, Garrett McMahon, based on the Super Nintendo game directed by Shigesato Itoi, production by William Pawlowski, and thumbnail and art direction by David Peters. This podcast stinks. It is also a fan-made project affiliated in no with the Nintendo Corporation or Mr. Itoi. This podcast is free to listen to, ad free, and will be. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode, and I'll see back next Monday. Till next time.