In Which Our Hero Definitely Has to Save the World

It’s Ness’s twelfth birthday! Nothing in the whole wide universe could ruin a rockin day like that. Nothing, of course, except the horrible news that the weird events of the night before were NOT a dream! Now, with his lucky red cap on his shaggy head, his new red high-tops tied, and his brand-new Gutsy Bat in hand, Ness steps outside the safety of his house to save the world as we know it! Will he make it to the next bus to Twoson? Will he dodge the no-good Shark gang and the third-strongest  officers in the Onett police department? And just who was that strange kung-fu boy, anyway, someone from Dalaam, maybe?

Find out on this week’s episode of… The Podcast Against Giygas!

ROCKIN!!!

Transcript

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You're listening to The Podcast Against Giygas!

Episode two: 0:26

in which our hero definitely has to save the world. Today was the day! The moment Ness woke, he realized what specific day was before him and shook off all sleepiness. He leaped out of bed and scrambled into his

clothes for the day: 0:42

Jean shorts, his best blue and yellow striped shirt, and his favorite red baseball cap, quite beat up from wear, but still just as good as when his dad first put it on his head, which amazingly fit him as well as it did his dad's head when he was the same age. King bounded off the bed and ran around the room with him, just as excited as his human. He went to his calendar, crossed off the whole day previous, and put a big red circle around the current day bearing a scribbled note that said, "My birthday." He practically galloped down the stairs into the kitchen, following his nose to one of his favorite smells. Yes! steak for breakfast! Yes, indeed, there was his mother, just finishing up basting the sizzling cuts with butter and rosemary. Happy birthday, sweetie. Go on and have a seat. It's almost medium rare. The next hour was devoted to perfectly grilled, rare, juicy steak, candles blown out on thick slices of German chocolate cake, and a stack of gifts waiting to be ripped open. One of them especially caught Ness's eye, noticing that it was conspicuously shaped like a baseball bat. Sure enough, he tore the paper to shreds, and a bat was revealed. But not just any bat. Wow, a gutsy bat. He got up from the table and gave the bat a swing. Wooden, of course, since all the professional records were set with wooden bats, but nonetheless the hardest, most molecularly densest of rare wood from a small forest in Sri Lanka. Treated with a top secret triple ash and pure varnishing for maximum lightness, power, and grip comfort. No matter your swing, no matter your size, guaranteed to pop the most fast balls over the fence or your money back. Rockin! It's perfect. This will replace the one that... that broke last night. Ness regarded the bat in his hand and realized he wasn't sure what he was saying while he said it. It unsettled him how hard it was for him to just remember the day before. Ness, what is it? Oh, nothing. Just this weird dream I had. I went out at night and saw this meteor crash and an alien. Por- um, Minch was with me and there was this really small spaceman. And it looked like a bug. Ah, the time traveler 10 years from the future, huh? Uh, Buzz-Buzz, I think his name was. Buzz-Buzz? Really? That's kind of a weird... Nest put his fork down before he took his fifth bite of juicy birthday steak, suddenly realizing, even before also realizing his mother apparently had the same dream as him, how strange it was that he was having morning steak. His mom never skipped breakfast. Nothing. No amount of oversleeping, of almost missing the bus, could stop her from near fanatical devotion to the most important meal of the day. Mom, why am I having my birthday now? I wanted to give you your cake and presents before you left. Left? He explained it all to your father and I telepathically last night. You have to go on a long journey to save the world. What? But no, mom. No. The black rotary phone (it is the '9s after all) interrupted them with a ring, and Ness, knowing that on his birthday he'd get a usual birthday call from someone special, ran to answer it with a newfound urgency. Elliott residence? Happy birthday, Slugger. Did I get it right this time? It's nighttime later in the day here, so it must still be morning where you're at. Neat, huh? Ooh, I'm calling from the future. Dad, mom went crazy! You have to do something. She thinks a bug from outer space told me... to stop an evil alien from conquering the world. He told me telepathically last night. Uh, Buzz-Buzz, was it? Oh, no. Not Dad, too. The meteor must have made everyone insane except for him. Couldn't it have at least waited until the next day? What? Dad, please be real. I can't just... Now, I set up a bank account in your name yesterday. This Tokyo deal is giving me a huge boNess. So, if you need any money for anything, don't hesitate to give me a call. Now, I did get you one more present, but I can't give it to you until you get back. But once you do, you'll think it's the best one you ever had. How's the new bat? It's cool, but listen- I knew you'd like it. That cracked one's too dangerous for you to use anymore. Anyway, say hello to King for me. Love you, son. Till next time. Till next time, Dad. The click on the other line defeated any hope of things making any sense for Ness. The next thing he knew, he was at the front door tying his new red high tops that would have been for the next grade of school, new baseball bat in hand, petting King one last time before rising to meet his mother, waiting to see him off to who knows where, for how long. He couldn't believe he was saying it to himself, but he would have rather been headed for school. Even with a whole summer coming up, he would have taken school every day for the rest of his life over this. Mom... I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you and King. I, I want to be here when Dad comes back. I know, sweetheart. I don't want you to go either. But neither of us have a choice. But this is crazy. I can't save the world. I can't save anything. I'm just a boy. His mom knelt to his level and looked into his eyes, gently stroking the hair on his hatless head. Yes, you are. You are a kind, strong, and courageous boy. Never let anyone tell you any different. Till next time, Ness. She gave her son his red baseball cap to put on his head, gave her son a hug, and Ness gave her in kind the biggest one he could muster. Then the moment ended and the door was opened before him. He hesitated at the threshold of his house, eyes closed, his breath held like he was jumping off a board into a deep pool for the first time. Then he took one step outside, another, and the door shut behind him, knowing that no words or deeds would get it to open for him again, for some time at least. He took the first step outside and there was nothing left to do except another and then another and still more until he was out of the front yard and fully on the sidewalk to the main road. And that was the first time the old man came out of the sky to take his picture. A thundering fanfare of brass and violins filled the once quiet air of the town, startling Ness so much he would have dashed back into his house if he didn't think better of it. There he was, gray whiskers in his beard, thick reading glasses, wearing a black tuxedo with a bowler hat, floating from the sky like Mary Poppins to land right in front of him with a pirouette and a twirl. Photos taken instantaneously! I am a photographic genius if I don't say so myself. He really did have a camera with him, a huge ancient-looking black box with a light bulb flash and a tripod as tall as he was. He draped a black cape over his head and shoulders as he lowered his eyes to the viewfinder of the big hulking thing. Okay, get ready for an instant memory. Look at the camera. Ready? Say fuzzy pickles. Ness found himself with twelve different things to say, to ask, to shout, all at the same time. But nothing came out of his mouth except the words he was told to say. Fuzzy pickles. That, and with the blinding flash that followed, utterly bewildered him into making a photo face that looked like God knows what, as far as possible from the usual ear to ear grin that was coaxed out of him with a simple "cheese!" Wow, what a great photograph. It will always bring back the fondest of memories. With that, the photographer gave another spin around and twirled up to the sky as strangely as he arrived. The music stopped and it was all quiet and birds chirping again. If that was the weirdest thing that would happen to him on this trip, thought Ness, then maybe it wouldn't be so much trouble after all. But then again, remembering his dream last night with the meteor and strange aliens, he figured with a sigh that it wouldn't be. Not even close. Ness looked around his neighborhood. What once was commonplace and comforting to him now seemed foreign, hostile even. Houses where friends lived only a couple doors away were now somehow unrecognizable, now that he was alone. The realization staggered him. He really was alone, wasn't he? How could his mom do this to him? Just leave him by himself. All alone. You're not alone. A voice spoke to him, clear as if there was someone right in front of him, though there wasn't a soul around. Ness, can you hear me? The voice, that of a young girl, most likely meant to alleviate his anxiety, but it was doing the opposite. Don't worry. I'm a friend, one you've never met before. My name is Paula. Find me in Twoson. Find me. Find her in Twoson. So, he'd have to get a bus ticket to go down south. Maybe he could start walking toward town, then ask a grown-up if he could get a ride to the bus station, or if not, at least directions. About a 20-minute walk later, he reached the Onett town proper. It was nearly as deserted here as it was on his suburban block, which was strange. He waited at an intersection for the walk signal and then headed toward what very well could be the direction of the bus station eventually. Clank. Clank. Ness made a frantic about face. What in the world could that have been? Nothing had changed as far as he knew, except the traffic sign that was on the sidewalk was now maybe a yard or so off, on the road itself. He turned around and tried to ignore it, whistling one of his favorite songs to keep his mind off it. Sure, it was weird, but on this trip, it looked like he was really going to have to pick his battles. As long as it left him alone. Clank, clank, clank. Ness stopped walking, not daring to look behind him, and the strange sound stopped with him. Holding the handle of his bat with one hand, he kept walking and kept whistling. Clank, clank. Firmly on the other side of the road, Ness spun around, now brandishing the formidable Gutsy Bat to get the drop on whatever was following him. He was stunned to find nothing there at all. That sign, formerly a few feet off the sidewalk, was now several feet away, who knows where. Well, at least it was gone for now, he thought as he turned to keep going, still grasping his bat. Ness screamed when he saw the sign suddenly right in front of him. Once an ordinary piece of roadside ordinance that simply read, "City speed limit 25 mph. Fines doubled." This one now had bloodshot eyes and a mawful of long sharp teeth, the kind Ness only saw from lions and tigers in cartoons. The sign roared and hobbled after Ness on its single post as he ran for his life down the street. It was at this point, because of course it was, that traffic on the one streets made Ness wait for his turn to cross. He slammed his palm on the "walk" button as he watched the rabid street sign bear down on him. As it hobbled closer and closer, he wondered if he should push his luck and just frogger his way across. A yellow cab skidded to the curb and right in front of a terrified nest, missing him by inches. It was not the traffic he needed to be afraid of, however, but the even bigger and sharper teeth from the cab itself. Ness swung his bat in front of him as hard as he could, shattering the windshield that made up its hungry, bloodshot eyes. Hey kid, what are you doing? Ness took another look at the monstrous cab and was stunned to discover, actually a normal one. Eyes and teeth gone, and most unfortunate of all, the side view mirrors and most of the glass parts good and broken. He tried to stammer some kind of excuse, but in a split second, he figured "it used to be a monster trying to eat me, I swear it!" was probably not going to hold much water. Police, stop that boy! To Ness's horror, he found not only were the adults furious, closing in and indeed waving down blue suited officers(with some helpfully setting backup roadblocks), the adults themselves were transforming into something different. Blues skinned, bloodshot, rapacious, as monstrous as the weird car and sign. One of them, a big lady with another blue face, was walking a big mastiff of a dog, which growled and barked at the sight of Ness. Springing away from her grasp of the leash, the animal bolted to Ness, who ran away, only to be stopped by another rabid dog. He had less qualms about defending himself against them, they being nothing like his beloved friend, King. He swung at the stray, sending it away, and held his bat to the lady's leashed dog, ready for a fight, before the lady caught up and shrieked at the sight of Ness, threatening her pet with a weapon. Help! He's crazy! He's going to hurt my dog! Police! Police! Ness made a run for it and turned around when, the bus station finally in his sights, an array of gas pumps let loose their nozzles and hoses, which slithered and hissed at him like a mob of rattlesnakes. Now he headed in the opposite direction, toward the arcade. In any other situation, he knew better than to go to the arcade. The arcade was shark territory. The sharks were the meanest middle school gang in all of Onett, and they had their hand in every bit of dirty dealing in town. Free extra toppings racketeering in the pizza shop, forged high scores at the arcade, black market firecrackers, the list went on. Every boy in Onett, sick of the constant swirlies, locker stuffings, and gum wads in the hair that they all suffered from these ruffians, who were easily identifiable with the prominent shark fin novelty hats they wore with pride in school and on weekends alike, knew better than to test the waters for more shark encounters at the arcade itself, their main HQ. Even though Ness especially hated their leader, Frankie Fly (who was in his gym class, and once emptied a whole bottle of itching powder in his locker, and who he heard made his friend eat a whole hamburger out of the garbage), he was happy to tread his first step in that palace of lights and bleeps of shmups and brawlers and rail-gun shooters, because it meant that the weird adults and their weird mutated adult things dared not follow him. He never thought he'd see the day he'd be glad to see the sharks. It was that very same hated boy, Frankie himself, in his new red suit, slicked back blonde mohawk that kind of, now that he was looking, looked a lot like a shark fin, sunglasses indoors, and the blood red-dyed shark tooth hanging from a chain around his neck, the symbol of his sinister leadership, who first noticed a boy in the arcade who shouldn't have been there. Stopping in the middle of his game of Tatsujin Twelve (and not to worry, he was going to hack into the cabinet and get the highest score anyway), he faced Ness and pointed a finger. Hey, look. It's some kid. Let's beat him up and take whatever cash he's got. How come, Frankie? I don't know! With this war cry, scores of sharks dressed in blacklight-glowing skeleton leotards along with their shark fins. Some of them wielding hula hoops, others mounted on pogo sticks, and some others shredding on skateboards. All swarmed Ness en masse. No, he still hated the sharks. Making a run for it, he headed outside and risked another encounter with the weird adults and their weird cars and stuff once more. However, with the sharks still hot on his tail, it was neither of those things he encountered after all. It was another boy, though not a shark to be sure. And if he did belong to a gang, it was one Ness had never heard of. A boy from somewhere on the other side of the world. Dalaam most likely, or maybe even Tokyo, where his dad was. He wore a white karate uniform with a black belt tied around the waist, which of course meant if he was a karate fighter, he was really good at it. He had almost no hair on his head except for a long, long braided ponytail starting from the back of his head trailing down to the middle of his back. His black eyebrows slanted sharply down, making him look as if he was always angry. Then again, as he stared down the gang of sharks, making them all stop in their tracks, Maybe he just was angry! Ness backed off as Frankie and the sharks howled another war cry and rushed at the mysterious boy. There must have been 30 of them all against one. They never stood a chance. Ness saw the boy let loose a barrage of punches and jump kicks so fast he could barely see them himself. One second a shark was skateboarding toward the stranger. The next second that boy was lying on the sidewalk cradling his ribs, and so on. It was all over in a minute. The next thing Ness knew, he was standing face to face with the stranger with 30 or so shark boys sprawled on the asphalt, howling and weeping in pain. The boy reached out a hand and opened it in front of Ness as if asking to give him something. What? I don't know what you... The boy grumbled and clenched his fingers in front of Ness as if to say, "Come on, cough it up." What could he have possibly meant? He didn't seem like someone who wanted his dad's credit card. Ness hoped it wasn't his new bat either, which after holding that toward the boy, he responded with another grunt and a shake of his head. With more urgency, the boy pointed to Ness's pocket. The only other thing he had was... Could he mean... Ness produced the triangular soundstone, showing on each side the strange symbols, a footprint, a waterfall, a volcano, and Stonehenge. From the boy's reaction, that seemed to be it. He reached for the stone before Ness flinched away. But before either one could argue any further, sirens from police cars sounded off on the road ahead of them, careening toward the pair. The boy rolled his eyes when he saw the oncoming police cars, and less than a second later, he vanished. The next thing Ness knew, he was approached by policemen who saw him holding a baseball bat, surrounded by scores of sharks lying on the ground in the fetal position, groaning, bruised, beaten to a pulp, everyone. Now he was in for it. Just when things couldn't get any worse for Ness, here he was in a police station about to get put in jail before his quest could even start. He sat before the desk of the police chief of Onett, like the scariest trip to the principal's office ever. The man before him took a long moment to thumb through some papers and sheets, frowning and grunting all the while, as officers surrounded him, all staring at Ness in their shared disapproval. 28 counts of juvenile assault, not to mention destruction of property, cruelty to animals... One of the officers next to him let out a loud whistle. 28? Jeez, kid. What were you doing? Grinding for levels? A few of the officers laughed along with him. Ness was frozen to the chair, numb with terror. He had never in his life gotten into so much trouble before, afraid to even push a bully away from him at the slightest provocation in school, rather than risk a fight put on his permanent record. But now, 28 beaten sharks! Between them all, he'd probably get life. He wondered if his friends could visit him in prison or if mom and dad could bring King by every now and then. Look, I didn't touch any of those kids. It was a... It was a karate kid from Dalaam, maybe. Karate kid, huh? And where is he now? I don't know. He disappeared when you showed up. Hm, convenient. It's true. I swear it. And the others were uh, self-defense. Self-defense against a parked taxi cab. Rock-solid alibi if I ever heard one. What are you doing out of school anyway? It's... summer. That's it, kid. Keep on being a smart aleck. That'll help your case. I'm sorry! I didn't... I mean, I have to go to Twoson to meet a friend. I see. And who is this friend of yours? I don't know. The chief finally flung the dossier full of papers on his desk and sighed. It's true. You got to believe me. I have permission from my parents. You can call my mom. She- Sure kid, we'll do that. And just what is it that brings you to Twoson, by yourself, without your parents so much as giving you a ride to make sure you're safe, on the way to meet a friend that you don't know? Ness hesitated and frowned at the new depths of this hole he was digging for himself. Would you believe to save the world from an alien invasion 10 years into the future? A long moment of silence and then a raucous laugh erupted from everyone in the room, the police chief included. Yeah, it's uh, it's a path only I can walk, or something like that. A full minute went by of the officers and chief full-guffawing in his face before the chief abruptly stopped... No, I don't think I would. ...and made the others cease their laughter with him. But let's say I do. Let's assume you're not lying. I mean, you are, but let's assume. If you are strong enough to beat an alien invading menace, it stands to reason you're strong enough to beat a few cops. What? It's called logic, young man. A fortiori. An argument proved by a stronger argument, never mind that. If you can make these five officers of mine hit the floor, I'll let you go. If you fail, you spend the rest of your life in jail. And also, uh, you get the tar beaten out of you by these galoots first, which also can't be very pleasant. Does that sound fair? Sounds fair to me, chief. No! No, that doesn't sound fair! Good. Then let's get it on! The chief slammed his palm against his desktop, and before he knew it, Ness was on his feet, clutching his bat, and facing a cop, making fists. Yeah, I'll go first. I'm the third strongest cop in all of Onett, you know. The chief gave the signal and the cop went toward Ness before tripping on his own shoelace and falling flat on his face onto the floor. Whimpering at his loss, the man scampered away and another took his place. Eh, don't listen to him. He's a compulsive liar. I'm actually the third strongest cop in Onett. The fight began and the cop advanced, fists at the ready. He took a couple big swings and Ness, despite his terror, dodged them well enough. He could tell the third punch coming was going to be a haymaker, and he instinctively held up the bat to block it like a shield. The cop took a fistful of reinforced ash-treated hardwood and howled in agony, clutching his broken hand and falling to the floor on his knees. Another cop took his place, giving Ness time to catch his breath. No offense to my brothers in arms, but he is a compulsive liar, too. I am the third strongest cop in Onett, which is appropriate seeing as how I'm Third up. This cop was faster and scarier than the other two, who all things considered were pretty bad fighters. So maybe he was the third best after all. Nest did not stop to consider this, but instead ran around the room. He was small and nimble enough to dodge even the most advanced adult level barroom brawling his opponent could muster, until getting frustrated over being unable to land a hit, His momentum finally made him tumble into some furniture. Without wasting a second, the fourth cop faced Ness, this one in full riot gear. Okay, look. The third cop you just faced is a compulsive liar, the second one has a compulsion about accusing people of being compulsive liars, and the first one is just wrong. I am the third strongest cop in Onett. The cop rushed Ness, brandishing his baton and riot shield like a knight in armor. Ness was a little less shy about swinging his bat this time, given the copious amounts of Kevlar on his opponent, though it very quickly dissolved into something very much like a boy his age playing swords on a playground. He did not know how, and he could not have told you if you asked him, but at one point in the fight, he swung at the riot shield as hard as he could, imagining his dad teaching him how to hit a fly ball into the outfield, and somehow it shattered the shield and knocked the cop back, falling onto his behind. The fifth wasted no time, stepping over his fallen comrade, and faced Ness with clenched fists at the ready. All right, no more fun in games. You have faced the weakest, the second weakest, the second strongest, and the strongest police officers in the entire Onett Police Department. Now you will face me, the true third strongest cop in... His speech was cut short by a tap on his shoulder behind him, followed by a sucker punch, which sent him tumbling to the floor. Ow, that really hurt! Jeez, chief. What did you do that for? There he was, the chief himself, standing over all his fallen officers. Because I'm sick of all you and your constant third baiting! Everywhere I go around here, booking a perp, or at the lineup, or heck, even just at the water cooler. "I'm the third strongest. No, I'm the third. I'm the third..." fools! Everyone here knows I'm the third strongest cop in Onett. That's why I'm the chief of police. Now get out of my sight. All of you, go set up some roadblocks. The fallen cops all groaned and rose to their feet and ambled out of the chief's office, who whirled at Ness and pointed a finger at him, his voice thundering through the room as he advanced toward the terrified boy. And as for you, playtime is over. If you really think you can handle an alien invasion, then it's going to take more than a couple of my rough and tumble deputies. Oh no, you're going to have to face a true warrior. a real man of power. You're going to have to I am so sorry about that. What? The moment the other officers left and let the door shut behind them with a click, the chief of police changed back to an instant Dr. Jekyll. Don't worry, you weren't in any danger at all. It's just that, you know how it is. You got to let the boys beat up some civilians every once in a while. They can get pretty bad cabin fever around here otherwise. As they say, "a society that does not let its constabulary assault and embattle its own citizenry is a society that cannot stand." Um, De Tocqueville, I think. Ness had never heard anyone say that before, and while he was a little miffed at the chief's assertion that he was never in any danger, as some of those punches sure could have fooled him, he was beyond relieved to find out he was no longer in big trouble with the cops. Anyway, your mom called ahead and let me know what's going on. Though I don't understand it myself. I mean, times like these, kids like you should be inside playing video games. But what do I know? Well, let me give you a ride to the bus station. Ness hopped into the squad car and the chief got him to the station in 15 minutes time, The siren on full blast and the chief himself chuckling over the other cars frantic attempts to get out of his way with such little notice. Seeing Ness safely in line to purchase a one-way ticket to Twoson, the chief's work was done and he headed back to the station, yelling through his radio to his officers that there weren't enough roadblocks on the street he just drove down and to get them up on the double. Ticket in hand, Ness kept his eyes on the arrivals and departures chart, when who could approach him but his worst enemy, the leader of the Sharks, Frankie Fly himself. Ness groaned. Just when he thought he escaped trouble in this town, it literally followed him to see him off. But in an even greater surprise, it didn't seem like the boy meant Ness any harm. He approached him with open hands and was also alone. Hey, you. So, you're the one who took down 30 of my best buds all at once. Not bad. Not bad at all. He must not have seen the karate boy either then, Ness said to himself. From now on, you're as good a shark as any of us. Before he could say anything, the boy slapped a shark fin on Ness's head. Wear it with pride at school and at the arcade. This is the mark in which I count you as a friend and pass you by to force feed a burger out of the garbage to some other loser. Brothers in fins, death before dishonor! He patted Ness on the back and raised a fist as he shouted to the station for all to hear his new recruit before he made himself scarce. Not long after Frankie left, his bus arrived. Ness took a good look at himself with the hat, its sharp, angular crest of the fin, its lacquered sheen... It was the stupidest thing he had ever seen in his life. He shoved the hat in the garbage and boarded the bus to Twoson. You've been listening to The Podcast Against Giygas! The Podcast Against Giygas is an audio book written and performed by me, Garrett McMahon, based on Earthbound, the Super Nintendo game directed by Shigesasto Itoi, with production by William Pawlowski, and thumbnail design and art direction by David Peters. This podcast stinks. It is also a fan-made project affiliated in no way whatsoever with the Nintendo Corporation or Mr. Itoi. This podcast is free to listen to, ad-free, and always will be. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode, and I'll see you back next Monday. Till next time.